It’s normal to feel uncertainty in late pregnancy leading into labor. Whether you’ve done this process before or not, there is so much that is unknowable. Birth is nonlinear. As much as we want to be able to say, when this happens, this other thing will happen in X hours, or if this, then that…that’s just not how it works.
This hurts. Our brains really dislike it. Sometimes our brains will opt for the perceived certainty of doom, giving up, or defeat. A couple examples could be, not applying for a job because you think you won’t get it, or not acting on a crush. We’ve all been there.
But this grey area of uncertainty is actually where the magic happens. We live in a dynamic world of flux, where the only constant is change. Birth embodies this so deeply. It’s a clear, present reminder that all of life is a mystery. There are no neat little boxes for our brains to place things in, no timelines, no itinerary. At best, you feel like you have a crumpled map in your backpack and you pretty much know you’ll laugh, you cry, there will be bodily fluids, and you’ll experience things you never thought possible.
In uncertainty, I find solace in Octavia Butler’s Earthseed prayer, from her novel, Parable of the Sower: “all that you touch, you change, all that you change, changes you. God is change.” With this, she calls us back to agency. Reminding us that we have hands to touch things, our actions reverberate, she reminds us that we’re not just pieces of glitter swirling around in a chaotic snowglobe. She calls us to shape god: to dance with the chaos, create, and move. To both ride the waves of change and to act. I love the balance here: between being present with uncertainty, and the remembering of our power to shape reality.
So if you’re feeling uncertain, let's start here: nothing’s gone wrong.
There is some certainty we can create: You can be certain that have your own back. That you love and accept yourself through the process, no matter what. That you are supported. That you know how to create support for yourself. That anything that arises can bet met, withstood, processed, held. All feelings pass. All intensity subsides. When we are held, when we are met, we can do the unthinkable, the brave, the heroic, the miraculous. You are powerful. Strong. Gentle. Dynamic. Still, like a mountain, or roaring. You meet the moment, this moment here. The next right thing shows itself to you, because you find yourself doing it.
I’ll leave you with another verse from The Book Of the Living, the text of Butler’s fictional Earthseed religion.
39. Positive Obsession
God is Change,
And in the end,
God prevails.
But meanwhile…
Kindness eases Change.
Love quiets fear.
And a sweet and powerful
Positive obsession
Blunts pain,
Diverts rage,
And engages each of us
In the greatest,
The most intense
Of our chosen struggles.
∞ = Δ